Critters 3 (1991)

*. “Starring Leonardo DiCaprio in his film debut.” So says the DVD box, making the most of this movie’s sole selling point. At least I can’t think of any other reason someone would be drawn to it.
*. Leo was 16 years old. Cary Elwes had been offered the part of Josh (“don’t call me Joshua”) but turned it down. I guess neither of them suffered any lasting effects to their careers from their decisions.
*. A star is born? It would take a keener eye for budding talent than I possess to have seen it. It’s not much of a part, and to be honest I don’t think he stands out in any way. Aimee Brooks as Annie totally outshines him. But there’s no telling how these things are going to go.
*. “You are what they eat.” I’ve mentioned the passing of a golden age of tag lines before. This one is pretty good.
*. There is little to detain us here. The basic idea wasn’t bad, with the Krites (nobody actually calls them Critters) hitching a ride from the sticks to the big city. Specifically a run-down apartment building run by Joshua’s mean step-father. The Critters proceed to terrorize the remaining residents of the building while engaging in the usual gremlin-style vandalism. The only returning character is Don Oppel’s Charlie, who again saves the day.
*. It’s hard to think of anything good to say. It’s a very cheap movie, and looks it. It’s not funny or scary. When the Critters run wild one of them drinks a bottle of dish soap and starts blowing bubbles. Another eats a whole pot of beans and begins to fart. That’s the level of the humour. There are no interesting twists like the giant Critterball at the end of Critters 2. Instead there’s just the usual stuff. They even throw in the old horror bit, which I think got started with Psycho, of coming up behind someone who’s seated in a chair, only to find out that they’re a corpse.
*. Shot simultaneously with Critters 4, which it leads directly into by way of a painfully protracted end-credit sequence that breaks off with “To be continued . . .” Could there have been anyone who cared?

33 thoughts on “Critters 3 (1991)

      1. tensecondsfromnow

        Oh, meow, saucer of milk for table 5! So you actually bought this; kudos to you, no-one is queueing up to buy Critters boxed sets for this critic, so your allegations of moral corruption and turpitude are unfounded. And if I was sent such a thing, I would share it…

      2. tensecondsfromnow

        WHAT? Are you questioning my professional judgement and standards now? Each one of these Police Academy movies was a genuine 4 or 5 star review, hands down, no questions asked. And that money was only resting in my account, I made it very clear to the tax authorities. How much are the Critters paying you? I bet the Lep has been generous with his pot of gold to you!

      3. Alex Good Post author

        I received one magic coin for the Leprechaun reviews, which has since gone missing. And have you reported your offshore earnings for pimping Police Academy? The Bitcoin payments?

      4. tensecondsfromnow

        I’m all about cash for crypto these days. Think the Lep screwed you over again, Alex! And I’ll be reporting you to the critics police for taking coins from the Lep! You’re in SO much trouble!

      5. Alex Good Post author

        If they can find that coin they’re welcome to it. Everyone who tried to keep it died a horrible death.

        The critics police have been auditing you for years, suspicious of the grade inflation in your reviews and fancy lifestyle, and seeing the two as not unrelated. How much does a pull quote for a DVD box cover go for these days anyway?

      6. tensecondsfromnow

        How much have you got? £50 for ‘amazing’, £100 for ‘a return to form’ and up to £200 for ‘the funniest film of the year so far.’ If you’ve got more cashola to burn, we can talk ‘an auditory, visual and philosophical revelation’ which is how I described Police Academy 8; Mission to Moscow….

      7. tensecondsfromnow

        Who they? Local film journos in your backwater? Librarians?

        So are you wanting a pull-quote or not, I’ve got a special this week on ‘a majestic valentine to the art of cinema itself’ would make a lovely gift….

      8. Alex Good Post author

        *sigh* Timing is everything when it comes to pull quotes, as you should know in your business. I won’t be able to use a Valentine’s Day quote for another year. Unless you’re having a 75% off sale.

      9. Alex Good Post author

        “I don’t think anything can be said about this movie, and I know I’m not the one to even dare to say it, that Alex Good hasn’t already said better many times. A man among boys, a king among men, a god among kings, I defer to his refined judgement and encyclopedic learning in all things, not just cinematic.”

      10. tensecondsfromnow

        I don’t think anything can be said about this movie, and I know I’m not the only one to even dare to say that Alex Good is a danger to his own community. A boy among men, a loser among kings, a Lep among Critters, I will never defer to his skewiff judgement and half-baked learning in any things, not just cinematic…”

        Where do I send my invoice?

      11. Alex Good Post author

        Nope. You don’t get a copy of our home game. You don’t get a set of steak knives. You don’t get a sandwich maker. You don’t even get a banana.

    1. Alex Good

      Little Leo is a-double-orable! I think he even gets hit by one of the narcotizing quills the Critters fire off and goes sleepy-bies. But yes, this is very lame.

      Reply
      1. Alex Good Post author

        Oh, *now* you’ve discovered the “reply” function. At least you’re learning something. I like to think of this blog as educational.

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