Night of the Living Dead 3D (2006)


*. You know you’re in trouble when the “3D” is actually part of the title as it appears on screen. God help us.
*. Alas, God is dead. Or at least s/he had nothing to do with this mess. The point is addressed when one of the living suggests that the sudden zombie outbreak may be the Rapture. Not yet!
*. This movie is bad in almost every way. It takes far too long to get going, then, when the zombies do arrive, everyone is even more clueless about what is happening than the cast of Romero’s original, despite the fact that they were just watching Romero’s movie on TV! Get with the script people! You have to shoot them in the head, and if you get bit by one then you turn into a zombie yourself. Those are the rules.
*. The “zombies vs. deadheads” idea had potential, but not only is there nothing funny going on here, I’m not even sure if there is any attempt being made to be funny.
*. Does it matter that Ben isn’t black? This is a remake, sort of, and the first two versions (Romero’s and Tom Savini’s 1990 remake) had black Bens. Should we feel offended at the break with tradition?
*. Most of the time the characters seem to be only hanging around waiting for someone, anyone, to prompt them with a decent line. They also suffer from a curious lack of urgency. Barbara gets chased about for hours before deciding to take out her cell and phone her brother, and only then she says she’s going to phone 911? Meanwhile, at the planter home mention is made of calling the cops but nothing is done until it is too late. Guns are mentioned, but they run outside without them. It’s suggested that they board up the windows and doors (hey, maybe they were watching the movie!) but nothing is done. Later, the zombies will simply walk in through the windows.
*. The zombie makeup is completely unexceptional and there is virtually no gore at all. The only remotely interesting effect is the shovel through the head that is lifted directly out of Day of the Dead (where they did it better).
*. I’ll confess I didn’t see this movie in 3-D. There are various things thrown at the screen: a joint, a shovel, a bullet, tits. I don’t think I missed anything.
*. Poor Sid Haig, to have gone from Spider Baby to this in . . . forty years.
*. No, I don’t have any idea what Tovar Junior’s character is up to. Was he trying to create an army of zombies, or did it all happen by accident? Why isn’t he infected by his father? Why is his father so spectacularly flammable?
*. If the Coopers were going to go upstairs to barricade themselves in a bedroom, why didn’t they? Or why didn’t she at least try and get away? There was a window, and a ladder down off the roof.
*. The bottom line here is that even if you’re a zombie fan you’re going to hate this movie. It’s stupid, poorly made, and hurts. This isn’t just a movie to miss, but one to actively stay away from.


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